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It was a year ago. December 3rd, 2009. I was working at the mall on my birthday. All I did was stand there for 8 hours and take pictures of kids with Santa. December is a crazy time to go to the mall. I used to be annoyed by hundreds of people. Sometimes I just wanted to quit and go home. As I was thinking of quitting, I felt a tap on my head and heard “opla, tor phone ta de”. Without realizing who was talking to me I took my phone out of my pocket. It was vaiya. In a hyperactive mood as always. He needed to call Vabi because she had his phone. I could see how tired he was through his eyes. Yet he came to the mall with vabi and her visiting friend Jen from US. Before I could say anything he just ran. I couldn’t take my eyes off vaiya, because he ran funny. Right hand over his shoulder bag. Left hand over his right shoulder just to make sure his office bag doesn't fall off. I was sure the only thing on his mind was if Vabi was worried or got lost in the mall. There was nothing in the world that could make him realize that vabi was a smart young women who was born in USA. There was no way she could get lost anywhere in Saskatoon. The city we all used to make fun of. But ended up living here one by one. When I was entertaining myself watching Vaiya run. All I could think of how heavy can his bag be?

I woke up in the morning. Had my usual morning. But something was missing. It was July 11th, 2010. I suppose to be really excited for Spain being in the world cup final match today. But I wasn’t. I don’t remember much about that morning. Except when I was at vabi’s house in Dhaka. It’s a beautiful peaceful neighborhood in the core of Dhaka University. At first I was wondering why there is two ambulance in front of the house. I remember two things from that day. First one was my feet. I was staring at my feet all the time. All the emotions drained down my body and probably got crushed by my own feet. I couldn’t go close to anyone. Some people would come and ask how I am and how I know vaiya. Because I am from saskatoon. After couple of hours there were hundreds of people. I wanted to scream and tell everyone to go away, yet I didn’t had the energy in me. People kept on coming. And I kept on holding myself. After a while my chest was so heavy, I literally couldn't stand anymore. That was the first time I felt any emotions. I knee down on grass, hands over my face and started crying quietly. I bite down my finger so no one could hear me. I wondered why my chest feels so heavy. I thought there was nothing heavier in life. When the time came I went to pick vaiya up. As I was trying to carry him, all my emotions from last couple of weeks just rushed out of me. That made me realize there is absolutely nothing in this world which is heavier than vaiya and vabi at the moment. After I felt both of their weight I went numb again.

I just wanted one more hug from vaiya. I just wanted one of smile from vabi. I wish I wasn’t bound to any culture, tradition or religion. I wish there wasn’t anyone around me. I would never let them go. I never wanted to carry them into a dark hole.

Before I let vaiya go. I smiled and told him “you think your office bag was heavy? You should feel the weight you gave me today.”

I missed you today. I missed making stupid jokes with you. I missed being a complete idiot with you. I missed laughing without any reason with you.